Seeing Yourself in Others (Projection)

A friend of mine, Barry, is a registered nurse and avid photographer. When he first took up this hobby, he regularly borrowed my slide projector, eager to view his latest batch of slides. This was fine with me, except he wouldn't return the machine until I called and asked for it. After he'd done this a few times, I told him I wanted the projector returned promptly from now on (my son was also into photography, and he had dropped by on more than one occasion with a carousel of slides to show－and no projector). The next time Barry went off with the projector he promised he would bring it back the next day, but he didn't. That evening I called him and told him to bring the projector back and that I didn't want him to borrow it any more because I didn't like taking the responsibility for getting it back. He seemed a bit crest-fallen but didn't say anything.

　　A couple of weeks later, one of my cats came home with a gouge out of his back from a fight, and the next day the wound was festering, so I called up Barry and asked him if he could come and have a look at it. He came right over and cleaned and dressed the wound, then said this should be done every couple of days until it cleared up. I made a deal with Barry: If he would come by and clean the wound regularly, he could borrow the slide projector each time. He agreed to this, and left with the projector in hand, promising to come back in a couple of days. Well, you guessed it. He didn't show up, and neither did the slide projector.

　　Up to this point I had been calm about Barry's repeated failures to keep his word, but this time I was angry. It just wasn't fair, I thought to myself, not fair at all. Here I was, this responsible person who was totally dependable, who always did what she said she was going to do, who always returned what she borrowed, who wouldn't dream of making an agreement and then not following through on it. And what was my reward for this behavior? To have some flake like Barry take advantage of me. It just wasn't fair at all.

　　Well, I went on for some time feeling sorry for myself and the unfairness of the world, until I caught myself up short. Wait a minute: You created this reality for yourself. What were you trying to learn from it? With that reminder, I calmly sat back and looked at the situation. Okay, what beliefs were operating here? Why was I so angrywith Barry? My anger seemed way out of proportion to what he had done. Was it a belief in a hostile world where people get ripped off? No, that didn't seem to be it. I didn't think of myself as being ripped off, only that it wasn't fair, that he could get away with being a flake while I . . . Aha! A new insight. There was a part of me who wanted to be a flake, who balked at responsibility, who resisted making or meeting commitments, who didn't like to be dependable, who wished she could get away with behavior like Barry's. I'd never acknowledged this personality before, this part of myself who wanted to be irresponsible, but I had sensed that there was some “danger”that I might become that way. . I had created this anger for myself, then, partly out of fear (for anger is fear with aggression attached) and partly out of envy－on the part of that subpersonality who wanted to be just like Barry, who didn't want to be “good” all the time only to see others get to be “bad”’,who thought it was unfair that Barry got away with such things when she couldn't!

　　Once I saw this, I could also see how I'd always been hard on myself vis-à-vis meeting commitments, that I'd gone overboard in being dependable and trustworthy. I was militant about it－on guard lest my “flaky” side get the upper hand, always watchful of myself that I not behave irresponsibly.

　　And as I thought further, I realized that lately my life had been filled with irresponsible people: one of my students who never turned in his papers on time, usually with some lame excuse (how scornful I felt!); my daughter who never answered my letters yet who'd call long distance, collect, whenever she felt like it (and without even feeling the slightest bit guilty!);businesspeople who hadn't returned my calls when they'd made a point of saying they would (how could they hold down their jobs!); my neighbor who stayed home from work all day on April 15 in order to get his income tax figured out and mailed by the 12:00 a.m. deadline (when he,d had three-and-a-half months to do it!). 

　　Now I could see why. I had written them into my play in order to see what my beliefs in this area looked like projected into space-time reality. They had thus far been invisible to me, so I dramatized them. I dramatized my fear-turned-into-anger, and I dramatized my envy. And once I got in touch with the feeling of envy I discovered “her',－a part of myself who had longed to be recognized, to have a say, a side who felt disowned and dishonored.

　　Naturally, all of my anger toward Barry disappeared, for it hadn't ever really been directed at him. In fact, I felt so kindly toward himthat I called and told him sincerely how sorry I was for being such a grouch about the slide projector. Strangely enough, he returned it the next day without my asking him to and from that time on always returned it promptly. It wasn't that Barry didn't continue to have his own flaky propensities, for when we do our projections we often do them onto appropriate people－people who have something to learn in that connection－but that he thereafter practiced using that trait of his around others; since I no longer needed that lesson, I no longer created that trait in my life. In fact, I no longer thought of people that way. And as time went on I found I wasn't hard on myself anymore about being reliable. Once the conflict within was resolved through the recognition and acceptance of that side of myself who had been fighting, I could relax, for I had “everyone's”cooperation!

　　Whenever you believe people are “making you”,feel a certain way, whenever you believe someone is “preventing you” from doing what you want, whenever you believe you are “being rejected by” someone, whenever you believe that others are “taking advantage” of you, you can be sure you are projecting some beliefs/feelings of yours “out there” in order to find out more about yourself and thus to learn and grow. It is most important to take these projections back and own them, for as long as you ascribe them to “something out there,” you will not be able to deal with them in yourself. And if they are not dealt with, they will continue to show up “out there” in increasingly intensified forms until at last you do see the central role you have had in their creation.

　　Owning your projections means letting go of feeling self-righteous and superior (as I was feeling toward all of those “flakes”),it means giving up feeling martyred and misunderstood, and it means taking responsibility for your own feelings, which may be the most difficult feat of all. It means saying to yourself, “I have created this anger I feel through my beliefs. It is not his or her fault that I feel this way, it is my choice to believe this way and to feel this way. That person isn't making me feel guilty: I have chosen this feeling and I can change it.” It means letting go of blaming, letting go of feeling sorry for yourself, letting go of jealousy, criticism, suspicion, contempt, arrogance, and prejudice. It means knowing for certain that you very literally and thoroughly create your own reality, always.

Exercise

1.Think of a time when you believed someone “made you” do something. What is so “wrong” with that thing you did that you will not take responsibility for it? Is there a part of yourself who wants to be recognized and accepted, who got to have his or her way through that rationalization?

2.Recall a time when you felt “prevented from” doing something you wanted to do. Who was really doing the preventing? Why do you need the excuse of “someone out there” who is keeping you from doing it?

3.Under what circumstances do you tend to feel rejected? What part of yourself is doing the rejecting? Why? Can you accept and forgive that subpersonality?

4.When was the last time someone “took advantage of” you? Wouldn’t you rather take responsibility for whatever occurred than to feel like a victim? If not, why?

5.Are there some people in your life right now toward whom you feel self-righteous and superior? If so, why? If they have certain traits that you feel superior to or self-righteous about, ask your-self whether you might also have those traits－or opposite traits. If you have opposite traits, are you overcompensating out of a fear of being, at base, like the others?

6.Do you sometimes feel like a martyr? Why do you do that to yourself? Do you get off on it? Wouldn't you rather feel happy? If so, what new habits of mind do you need to develop?

7.Do you feel misunderstood? Can you take responsibility for creating the misunderstanding? What rewards do you get for blaming others for not understanding?

8.Do people lay guilt trips on you? Can you take responsibility for creating your guilty feeling? Why is it ever necessary to feel guilty? What payoffs do you get?

9.What “makes” you jealous? Why are you creating this jealousy for yourself--and don't say “I can't help it.” Take responsibility for helping yourself!

10. Would you say people are more critical of you or you are more critical of them? The two are related: Insofar as you are self-critical (whether you recognize it or not), you will either experience criticism from others projected “out there” or you will find yourself critical of others, which is a way of telling yourself you're not okay (just like them) under the given circumstances. Have a talk with your critical self and get him or her to cooper-ate in forming new habits of mind.

11. Prejudice is always projection. People would not have hostile feelings toward others unless they identified with them in some way, through their projections. What are your prejudices? Come on now, you know you're not “supposed to” be prejudiced but you probably are in some way. Own those projections!